Shawn's Night Before Christmas
by domina tempore
Summary: "Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the station, not a creature was stirring, not a single policeman..." Secret Santa gift for Psychfic fic exchange.


**Psych:**_ The Night Before Christmas_

_by: jewel of athos _

_Summary: It was the night before Christmas, and all through the station…_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Psych, I'm just borrowing, not making money, etc. No copyright infringement intended. _

_Author's Note: I was involved in the Psychfic Secret Santa Fic Exchange (aka the SSFE), and this was my present for Tazmy over there. Sorry I'm late getting it up HERE; I was sick all through Christmas Eve and Christmas and was awake for over 37 hours…that kind of thing :p. Merry (belated!) Christmas! :D_

*~.~**:":**~.~*

"'_**Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the station**_

_**not a creature was stirring, not a single policeman – "**_

"_Hey now, Spencer, that isn't true!" Carlton griped. "No matter what day of the year it is, we always have officers on duty!" Shawn shot the detective a withering glare._

"_Lassie-pants, please! I'm the one telling the story, and the spirits were very clear about who is and who is not allowed to interrupt me. And they say you need to be quiet and listen; it'll do you good! Besides, it's my Christmas party." _

"_Actually, this is a Department Christmas party, Mr. Spencer," the Chief said, raising an eyebrow. Shawn glanced at her and shrugged. _

"_I've heard it both ways," he said. "But the spirits insist that they want me to say this poem, as a Christmas present from me—them to you. And to all you lovelies in the audience here, isn't that right? Can I please continue, Chief? It's for the kids." He made such a sad puppy-dog face that the Chief rolled her eyes._

"_By all means." _

"_Chief!" _

"_Lassiter, if the spirits want him to share something, we should probably listen."_

"_But - "_

"_No 'buts', Carlton. Just hear him out." Shawn bowed to her. _

_"Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh, right!_

"…_**The stockings were hung in each jail cell with care**_

_**in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.**_

_**The convicts were nestled all snug in their beds,**_

_**whilst visions of bail money danced in their heads – "**_

"_What, are you trying to lull the bad guys to sleep, Spencer? You're supposed to toy with their minds, wear them out…you're supposed to remind them on a daily basis what kinds of guns you have and what your range scores are. You don't give them cozy-cozy beds to 'nestle' in, or stockings! Oh my gosh, you have no IDEA how much I despise stockings!" When Lassiter finally took a pause for breath, Shawn sighed. _

"_You know, Lassie, you're just a mean old spoilsport. Look, don't be a Christmas turkey dinner that comes out all dry and yucky; just listen to the story! It gets better from here on out…Listen!_

"_**And the chief with her badge and I with my gun – "**_

"_Ha! Like we'd let YOU carry a gun…" There was laughter from around the room. _

_Shawn shook his head. "Lassie, please – "_

"_Just let him finish, Carlton," the chief advised. "The sooner he's done, the sooner you can go home, remember?" Shawn made a face. _

"_While that doesn't make me confident, thanks for the support, Chief. Now, where was I?" _

"_At the end?" Lassiter snarked._

"_Ah, that's right!_

"_**And the chief with her badge and I with my gun – "**_

_**had just settled down for some convicting fun,**_

_**When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,**_

_**I sprang from the magic-springy-bounce-up chair to see what was the matter.**_

_**Away to the office I flew like a flash,**_

_**and tore out my glock and squeezed off a shot – "**_

"_That doesn't even rhyme, Shawn," Henry criticized. "You seriously couldn't come up with a better line than that?" Shawn sighed long sufferingly. _

"_Dad, please! Don't insult the spirit's poetry; you might get a stocking full of coal – " _

"_Shawn!" _

"_Alright!_

"_**The moonlight through the window gave a ghoulish glare**_

_**to the crazy old crook who was standing there.**_

_**And what should my wondering eyes have to see,**_

_**but an antlered creature by the station Christmas tree!**_

_**And a little old man, oh so lively and quick**_

_**I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!**_

_**More rapid than eagles his karate chops came – "**_

"_Shawn!" Gus protested. "Santa does not know karate!"_

"_And how do you know, Gus? What was our last holiday case about? Oh, yeah, that's right, Santa was a CONMAN." _

"_But that's different! And besides, if Santa DOES know karate, then he would use it with honor, in self-defense only – " _

_"Gus, unless you want coal too, let the spirits finish their story, please!" Gus made a face, but shut his mouth. "Thank you!_

"_**More rapid than eagles his karate chops came,**_

_**and he knocked out our crook, and to the window came.**_

_**"Now Spencer! now Lassie! now Jules and Chief Vick! **_

_**Come on Buzz, Henry, Guster, let's tie him up quick! **_

_**To the top of the stairs! To a nice holding cell!**_

_**Now lock him up! Dash away! Lock the door well!"**_

"_Hey, the spirits remembered me!" Buzz interrupted, grinning. Shawn clapped appreciatively at his interjection._

"_Yes, Buzz! Santa is going to stuff your stocking up well tonight!_

"_**As papers and files before a hurricane fly,**_

_**he leaped into his sleigh, and did mount to the sky;**_

_**So up over the buildings and houses they flew**_

_**with a sleigh full of pineapple-y goodness, and St. Nicholas too!"**_

"_Your rhyming is still a little off, Shawn…" Juliet interrupted, blushing. Shawn turned to her._

"_Aw, Jules!" he pouted. "You too?"_

"_BUT I actually really like that line. Good job." _

"_Yes!" Shawn reached out a fist, which Gus reluctantly bumped. He was still a little ticked about the Karate thing. Shawn could care less. " She says I'm gooooood!" _

"_Alright, Rudolf," Lassiter grumbled. "Get on with it before your nose lights up." _

"_Well then!" Shawn sniffed at the insult, but he continued anyways._

"_**And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof**_

_**the prancing and pawing of his reindeer's hoofs.**_

_**As I raised my head up and was turning around, **_

_**back into the station St. Nick came with a bound.**_

_**He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, **_

_**and his clothes were all tarnished with gunpowder and soot.**_

_**A bundle of goodies he'd flung on his back**_

_**and he looked like a drug dealer opening his pack!"**_

"_Shawn!" Gus looked truly terrified now. "You can't go comparing Santa to a drug dealer! Seriously! You're gonna go straight to the naughty list!" _

_"Oh, please, Gus! I'd have to be a liar or something to get on that list." Gus folded his hands and looked up towards heaven. _

"_Dear Lord, please help us," he prayed. Shawn rolled his eyes. _

"_Anyways…_

"_**But his eyes - how they twinkled! his smile how merry **_

_**when he handed dear Lassie a new gun called 'Cherry' – "**_

"_Hey, now THAT line, I like!" Lassiter grinned, and Shawn continued with gusto._

"_**No contraband in his pack, just the gifts we would know.**_

_**And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;**_

_**The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth**_

_**as he handed Chief Karen a holiday wreath.**_

_**He had a broad face, and a little round belly **_

_**that shook when he laughed, like a pineapple jelly! **_

_**He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf **_

_**and Gus laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself."**_

"_I would never laugh at Santa!" _

_"Gus, for the last time, be quiet, please! I've got to finish this; the spirits insist!___

"_**A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head**_

_**soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.**_

_**He spoke not a word, but gave gifts to the rest,**_

_**and he filled all our stockings with what we liked best.**_

_**Then laying a finger aside of his nose,**_

_**and giving a nod, a great breeze arose.**_

_**He sprang to his sleight, gave his reindeer a whistle, **_

_**and away they all flew like the smoke from a pistol.**_

"_**But – "**_

"_Oh, not bad!" Lassiter interrupted, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "But do you think you could replace 'smoke' with 'shot' or 'bullet'?"_

"_Carlton!" Juliet exclaimed. _

"_What? I think it would sound good!" _

"_Yeah, like any of you are such good poets," Henry grumbled. Gus was still praying. _

"_Dear God, please forgive me in advance for if I kill Shawn after this…or if one of the reindeer or elves takes revenge for him insulting their boss…"_

"_Excuse me!" Buzz shouted, startling everyone into silence. "Can we please let Shawn finish? I'm sure that all the Psychficcers out there want to hear the end of this poem, too." Shawn threw up his hands happily. _

_"Thank you, Buzz! I am absolutely sure that Santa is going to be good to you this year, buddy. Now listen up, everyone! This is the best part! Say it with me if you know it – Nabby, say it loud, my man!_

"_**But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, **_

'_**MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!'"**_

_**fin.**_

_A/N: Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa! :D_


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